In the weeks leading up to our first date, my partner Paige and I were both active on Hinge and Tinder. We lived in the same small city, just a mile apart. On paper—and as far the apps were concerned—we had plenty in common: non-smokers, physically active, college-educated, politically aligned, geographically proximate, and both looking for a relationship. And yet, our meeting had nothing to do with the apps. Instead, it happened in a coffee shop, face-to-face.
Later, we wondered: When would we have come across each other’s profile if we hadn’t met in person? The answer? Never. I had been born two years too early, at least according to the filters Paige had selected while setting up her dating profiles. This tiny and arbitrary decision about age, made in a fraction of an instant, could have kept us apart for eternity.
The Limitations of App Filters
When we set filters on dating apps, we convince ourselves that we know what we want. Someone who’s at least 5’ 10”, has a bachelor’s degree, and is between 26–34. But are these criteria really as important as we think?
Is it truly important that your partner is a college graduate? Or is this just a proxy for what you actually value in a partner: curiosity, intellect, drive, and a promise of financial security? Plenty of successful, driven individuals—entrepreneurs, creatives, and innovators—don’t hold degrees. Would you filter them out just because they don’t have a piece of paper with their name and the letters B.A. or B.S. written on it?
App filters can be useful, but their predictive power is often overstated. As Logan Ury, Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science, suggests, the qualities that matter most in a life partner go far deeper than surface-level data points. These include:
- Emotional Stability and Kindness
- Loyalty
- A Growth Mindset
- A Personality That Brings Out the Best in You
- Skills to Fight Well (Conflict Resolution)
- Ability to Make Hard Decisions with You
These characteristics have fundamental depth, making them difficult to detect or quantify while browsing online profiles. They’re also tough to uncover spontaneously in the grocery store checkout line—though I’d argue it’s easier there than online.
Why IRL Filters Are Different
Meeting someone in person often provides immediate, instinctive insights that dating apps struggle to replicate. In real-world interactions, subtle cues—like how someone treats a barista, responds to a joke, or interacts with their dog—can reveal important aspects of their character that apps just can’t capture.
For example:
- Someone who genuinely thanks the cashier may show Emotional Stability and Kindness.
- A warm response to your humor suggests compatibility and a Personality That Brings Out the Best in You.
- A willingness to chat with a stranger indicates openness and possibly a Growth Mindset.
- Observing how someone dotes on their dog might hint at Loyalty.
Gut Feelings vs. Curated Profiles
When I was dating, there were more than just a few times that I’d see someone I thought I’d be interested in going on a date with. Then we’d quickly interact, and I’d know I’d been wrong. If I had encountered this person on an app, their carefully curated profile might have swayed me to swipe right. If they had swiped back, we might have gone out—then, within thirty seconds of meeting, discovered what we could have realized by chatting in the bookstore travel section: we were not a great match.
Conversely, the intuitive “gut feeling” we experience in person—a complex mix of nonverbal cues and emotional responses—can offer more sophisticated insights than our intellectual rationalizations.
Update Your Filters
By widening the ranges of your filters, you challenge assumptions that might be standing in the way of meeting a great match. So go ahead, pull out your apps. It’s time to update your settings to allow for greater flexibility. You might be surprised by what you discover.
